Reflections on "Notes from Underground"

This book was rough. I mean, really rough. Fortunately it was short so I didn't as downtrodden as I would have had it been merely pages longer.

The first section of the book appeared to be intellegent but largely incoherent ramblings on life and what it all means. But, truthfully, I had a difficult time following him. One passage did stick out for me. "Nature doesn't ask your permission; it doesn't care about your wishes, or whether you like its laws or not. You're obliged to accept it as it is, and consequently all its results as well." He makes a good point and speaks an undeniable truth here. And, I'm sure, if I hadn't been so lost in the rest of this section, I would feel a deep connection between this statement and the others in the section, but I do not.

The second section of the book was far more interesting to me. In this section we get to know more about this insanely obsessive man. I've met people like this and I imagine stepping into their brains would be much like reading this section of the story. The way he overthinks and obsesses about every little nuance of his life shows a deep level of insanity. It seems like he's the kind of guy who the name of every person who ever wronged him written in lipstick on his bathroom mirror. He sits alone every night, staring at the wall, thinking of new and grotesque ways to murder them and end his suffering.

He really is a deplorable character and I might dislike him greatly if I didn't feel so sorry for him. It's almost as if he's bi-polar. One moment he is staunchly in defense of his words and actions and the next moment he's completely reversed his perspective, quickly followed by a final reversal and deeper support of his initial views. I guess in a way we all do this but reading it is intense. I would have a difficult time understanding this fellow if I knew him in real life. He's wildly unpredictable. You never would know how he would react to anything you told him.

To be him would be twice as unbearable as knowing him. He's manic with his thoughts, never peaceful or calm. I think the only way he could really exist is locked away in his house because, after a certain point of thinking about ways to antagonize people, he would actually try and do it one day be tossed in jail or killed in a brawl. But, at the same time, he's a coward. He never actually goes through with his actions as he intended but he takes great care in preparing for them. He seems to like the challenge of getting up courage to do something more than actually doing it.

All in all, I enjoyed this book and when I read it again, I'm certain I will only enjoy it more as I attempt to make out what the heck was going on in the first section.

January 8, 2008: Class Reflections

Well, as we must keep a digital notebook for this Reflective Planning Theory, I have chosen to do mine in the form of a blog. I haven't exactly figured out how I'm going to do this but I'm going to upload pdf files with my notes, handouts, etc and link them to this site so that it truly serves as a digital notebook.

On to reflections of today...

I am a novice at considering things in the existentialist context so today was mentally exhausting for me. I can't imagine what it must be like to think this way all the time, but I bet in a way it's freeing. In the work that I do I get caught up in this idea that whatever we're working on at the moment is way better than whatever has come before and that no one could ever doubt it's greatness. In fact, I get a little miffed (although I'm getting better at this) when community members come in at the last minute and want to change everything because they couldn't be bothered to get involved earlier and every thing's wrong because they weren't involved earlier. I still resent that, but in truth, in the grand scheme of things does it matter? The answer is no, it doesn't and worrying about it doesn't make it better.

So, I'm kind of coming at this from an eastern philosophy. The four noble truths are:

1. Life means suffering
2. The origin of suffering is attachment
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable
4. A path will lead you there

I think this existentialist philosophy is kind of sitting at 1 and 2 of the four noble truths. It acknowledges that life is suffering and that attachment to control, for example, is the origin of that suffering. I still wonder if it goes so far as to say that the cessation of suffering is possible because that almost implies a rationalist perspective. I'm kind of thinking that if life means suffering, it doesn't matter. We should just embrace that suffering and some how muddle through. I haven't thought too deeply about this, obviously, but these are my initial thoughts.

I think I'll have to check into I (Heart) Huckabees again (even though the name "Huckabee" makes my stomach turn right now).

OH! One more thing about rational action. It reminded me of a quote from Star Wars ... "The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers..." Princess Leia.